This is the true story, of seven people...
by Kitten0013
Summary: I'm fairly certain this has been done, but here's my offering to the genre. Basically, Harry and Co, do karaeoke, with a bit of The Real World interspersed. Warning: It's very slashy, but if you like that kind of thing, read on!
1. The Confessional Sessions

*This is the true story of seven students, picked to be in this story, and have their lives documented to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting REAL

AUTHOR'S NOTE: First of all, this probably deserves an R rating, but I think there are mature teens out there, so I give it a strong PG13. Secondly, it's verrry slashy. If you don't like this, I suggest you hit the back button. Third, keep in mind that any pairing is possible. Fourth, all disclaimers are at the end; don't sue me. Lastly, I know my brand of humor may differ from yours, but I hope you enjoy it all the same!

*This is the true story of seven students, picked to be in this story, and have their lives documented to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting REAL. The Real World, Hogwarts!*

We join the cast about four months into this little experiment. Friendships have been forged, enemies have been made, enemies have become allies, and strange love triangles are popping up left and right. The easiest way for us to see examples of these situations would be to take a look at the Confessionals, so let's get to it.

Dean: Well, when we all first arrived at the House, I was overjoyed to see that Seamus would be one of the Roommates. I mean, he _is_ my best friend and all, so I knew I'd always have someone to talk to. To tell you the truth, I haven't talked very much to _any_ of the other Roommates. See, about a month into this thing…

Seamus: Dean and I just kinda clicked. I don't know how else to describe it. One night we were out in the hot tub and he kissed me. It was nice, so I kissed him back and ever since then…

Ginny: Dean and Seamus have been making out non-stop! They even moved into the same room together. I mean, if any of us sees them snogging on the pool table, it would do us no good to yell "Get a room!" because then we have to actually_ hear_ them having some sort of hot monkey jungle love! Eeeew! I mean, I've got my own set of problems to deal with, for example how to finally land Harry, or even *pause with a devious grin, how to get Hermione away from my brother for good…

Ron: Hell yeah, Hermione's a babe! She's all I've been able to think of ever since we got together that time in seventh year. And now that she's here in the House… Unfortunately, she chose to room with Ginny…it's the strangest thing too, sometimes I hear these odd sounds coming from their bedroom late at night. Someone keeps shouting something about a baby and doing it again. I think one of them is having a nightmare about taking a pregnancy test or something. All I know is that I've been flirting so much with Hermione lately that I haven't had much time to talk badly about Malfoy behind his back. Well, hey, I guess now's the time for that. The very first day we all met at the House and found out who our Roommates were gonna be, everyone knew Malfoy was gonna be the gay one. My god, he had enough hair and skin care products to sustain Belgium for a year. Pretty Boy Malfoy has been more annoying that usual lately too. He keeps whining something about…

Draco: I have no idea how in the hell to get into Harry Potter's pants! Let's face it, the boy is hot. The age of nineteen has been very good to him. His hair, and his bright green eyes, and his body, oh lord, don't get me started on his body! I wish he'd just come out of the closet already, it'd make it so much easier for me come on to him. I mean, the minute I saw him, in that blue silk shirt and tight leather pants I just wanted to scream "Poof in denial!". Those are the type of clothes _I_ wear! But for now I guess I just gotta be content to talk about Quidditch with him and keep that redheaded weasel from influencing him too much. Just the other day, I heard him tell Harry to…

Harry: Stay away from that blond bimbo. Those were Ron's exact words. I think "bimbo" is a little strong though. To tell you the truth, I think he ought to be more concerned with me trying to get with his sister. Ginny's really cute this year. Well, as long as I'm on this honesty kick, and since I'm in the Confessional anyway I'll admit it: I think Malfoy is kind of hot too. There, I said it. I can't ever tell Ron though, he'll think I've gone nutters. However, Ron's so obsessed with Hermione as of late that he's been more oblivious that usual. Hermione knows too. You can't hide strong feelings from a smart girl like that. I mean, this morning she was telling me…

Hermione: I know Ron likes me, and I still have feelings for him too. I have ever since we got together that time in seventh year. And I'll admit that I think he's adorable…all the Weasleys are adorable. All of them. But anyway, onto a different subject…the Roommates are beginning to get restless, so I think we're gonna try and find entertainment tonight. Since we're so close to Hogsmeade, I suggested that we go to the Three Broomsticks. They have this Muggle novelty called Karaeoke on Friday nights and I think it ought to be fun. Now that we're all of age, they can serve us liquor too…*a wide grin spreads across her face*… That may very well bring some of the drama that's in the House to the surface. 

The night found most of our cast lounging around the living room, waiting for Draco to finish fixing his hair. Dean and Seamus were both wearing jeans and tee shirts. Ginny, seated to the right of them, decided to wear her shortest black miniskirt and a purple crop top, complete with strappy black heels. She was hoping she'd get a good reaction from either Harry or Hermione. Ron had almost started yelling at Ginny for dressing like a tart when he was distracted by Hermione. She, too, had opted for a short skirt (though not as short as Ginny's) that was blood red, a black button-up top and platform sandals. Harry had picked out Ron's clothes for him (khaki pants and a dark green dress shirt) as Ron was really no good at dressing himself. Harry chose to wear black trousers and a tight grey tee shirt. As they waited (Hermione next to Ginny, Ron next to Hermione, Harry next to Ron), Hermione was telling them all about a time in sixth year when Lavender Brown had come to her with a problem.

"She was freaking out about something so I told her to calm down. Then she started sobbing uncontrollably. Turns out, she had met up with some Ravenclaw guy after the Halloween feast. They started kissing, one thing led to another, and she ended up pregnant."

"Oh my god!" Ginny squealed. "She never had that baby either! She must've had an abolition!"

"Um, abortion," Hermione corrected. "And no, she didn't. She just _thought_ she was pregnant. She went up to Madam Pomfrey and she was actually just fine. It scared the living hell out of her though."

Hermione's sentence was interrupted by another squeal from Ginny, but this time she was looking over at Dean and Seamus.

"Hey, hey, hey! None of that in the living room! No pawing at each other!!!" Dean looked incredibly guilty, but Seamus just looked amused.

Finally, ten minutes later, Draco emerged from the bathroom, ready to go. He was wearing his own pair of amazingly form-fitting black dragonhide pants and an impossibly tight white tee shirt.

"Well, it's about bloody time," Ron huffed as he got up. Draco shot him the finger when he wasn't looking. With that, the seven of them Disapparated to the main street of Hogsmeade. Once everyone had arrived, they trooped down to the Three Broomsticks. Ron, the first to reach the door, hauled it open. His face slowly turned a nasty shade of green and he seemed unable to move. The others, not knowing what he had seen, shoved him through the door into the bar. All too soon, though, they understood.

A very familiar greasy-haired, hook-nosed professor was on stage doing his rendition of a song entitled "I'm Too Sexy". The group could merely stare at him as they found a large table towards the front and seated themselves. Professor Snape, meanwhile, pranced around the stage, blissfully unaware of his former students.

"_I'm a model,_" he crooned, "_Y'know what I mean, when I do my little turn on the catwalk. On the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah, I shake my little tush on the catwalk._" Unfortunately for the Roommates, he really_ did_ shake "his little tush". Some looked sick, others giggled. Just when they thought it couldn't get any worse, another very familiar professor in a red tartan getup stood near the stage and cried "Oh, Sevvy!", waving a Galleon over her head.

"McGonagall's in on this too??" Harry groaned. Snape continued singing as McGonagall shoved the Galleon deep into his hip pocket.

"_I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat_…" 

Ginny looked horrified. "Please tell me he isn't about to say what I think he is," she begged.

"_Poor pussy, poor pussycat,"_

"Ah, jeeze, he did!" Hermione wailed.

"_And I'm too sexy for my love…_"

"Damn right!" McGonagall yelled out.

"_Too sexy for my love, love's going to leave me. And I'm too sexy for this song!_" Finally, it was over. The Roommates all looked up at the stage, waiting for Snape to realize they were there. After he blew a kiss to McGonagall ("Oh, gross!" Dean and Seamus said in unison), he seemed to catch them out of the corner of his eye. With a very audible "EEP!", he turned and bolted from the stage.
    
    "Well, I think we all need a good drink after that," Ron announced. "This round's on me." Everyone cheered and Ron took their orders to Madam Rosemerta.


	2. Ludicrously Out of Sync

Two hours, quite a few drinks, and a lot of bad singers later, everyone was pretty plastered

Two hours, quite a few drinks, and a lot of bad singers later, everyone was pretty plastered. They were all kind of slurring their words and getting delusions of grandeur.

"You guysh, we could do that!" Ron said, actually tossing his arm over Draco's shoulder, their feud seemingly forgotten. "We could shing karaeoke!"

"Do it!" the girls shouted. After a small debate, Harry went up to the DJ and put in their request. Twenty minutes later, it was their turn. Dean, Seamus, Ron, Harry, and Draco stumbled up to the stage. For a couple of drunk guys, they had amazing composure once on stage. Draco took the mike and stood in front of the other four as he began his solo.

"_Baby, baby, we can do all that we want, we gettin' nasty, nasty, we gettin' freaky deaky, uh uh uh. Baby, baby, we can do more than just talk, 'cause I can hear ya, hear ya, and I can see ya, see ya, uh uh uh. Baby, baby, we can do all that we want, we gettin' nasty, nasty, we gettin' freaky deaky…"_

The rest of the guys came in on their part.

"_Digital, digital get down, just what we need. You may be twenty thousand miles away, but I can see ya, and baby, baby, you can see me. Digital, digital get down, just what we need. If we can't get together naturally then we can get together on the digital screen."_

"Well damn, it's a sex song," Ginny remarked. Hermione wasn't really paying attention though. She was staring at Ron, who was now singing a verse.

"…_Bouncin' me from satellite to satellite, I love the things you do for me so late at night, you turn me on. It's like I'm right there next to you, yeah._" Ron was staring right back at Hermione as he was singing. Harry was the next up for a verse part, and he looked down at Ginny as he sang.

"_Can we get connected? I need some love and affection baby. I'll call you on the phone, and hope that I get through…"_

"Yeah, if dad hasn't screwed up our phone yet…" Ginny muttered.

It was Ron's turn again. "…_I get so excited when I'm watching girl, I can't wait to see you touch your body, girl, it's just me and you, so we can do what we got to do, yeah!"_

Ginny turned to her left. "Hermione! I had no idea you two…you know…"

"No!" Hermione cried. "It's not like that, I swear!" she protested, turning a brilliant shade of magenta. It was time for another one of Draco's solos.

"_Baby, baby, we can do all that we want, we gettin' nasty, nasty, we gettin' freaky deaky… baby, baby, we can do more than just talk 'cause I can hear ya, hear ya, and I can see ya, see ya…"_

This time, though, Dean and Seamus had moved off to the side of the stage, where Dean was laying the Smackdown on Seamus. The crowd seemed to love it. A loud burst of cheers filled the air just as Draco finished. Two choruses later, the song was over. The crowd screamed their approval as the boys clamored down to their seats. Ron and Hermione were looking at each other with misty-eyed attention. Dean and Seamus announced they were going to the restroom ("To share a stall, no doubt," Draco mumbled), and Ginny went to order the next round of drinks. After a few sips from his martini, Ron managed to get up enough courage (or maybe that was just the booze talking) to sing alone. He told the DJ and returned to the stage, glancing at his friends as the intro began.

"_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, give it to me now, give it to me now…_" he held the microphone down to Hermione, motioning for her to repeat him. "_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, give it to me now, give it to me now_…" she responded, rather embarrassed. Ron stood back up and launched into his song.

"_I wanna li li li lick you from yo' head to yo' toes and I wanna move from the bed, down to the, down to the, to the floor. And I wanna, ah, ah, you make it so good I don't wanna leave, but I gotta kn kn know what's yo' fan-ta-see?!_" Harry, Draco, and Ginny all looked from Ron back to Hermione in utter shock. Hermione was beyond scarlet. Like the others, she had had no idea what song Ron picked out. Above them, Ron had begun rapping, so they turned their attention back to him. 

"…_And if you like it in the club we can do it in the DJ booth, or in the back of the VIP. Whipped cream with cherries and strawberries on top, lick it, don't stop…" _Hermione was looking positively mortified. 

"_…In a public bathroom or in back of a classroom, however you want it…"_ Draco seemed highly amused. Harry was looking up at Ron, amazed that he could even rap. By this time, he'd gone through the chorus again and was starting on the second verse.

"_I wanna get you in a bathtub, with the candles lit, you give it up 'til they go out…" _

"Oh, there was this really cool bathtub in the prefects restroom back at Hogwarts," Harry recalled.

"…_How 'bout in the library on top of books, but ya can't be too loud…"_

"Madam Pince would kick your ass if she caught you," Draco said. Hermione didn't look any more cheerful.

"Aw, c'mon," Ginny pleaded. "We know it's just a song, right?"

"Except for that time in the back of a classroom," Hermione thought. Meanwhile, Ron was really getting into it.

"…_I wanna get you in the back seat, windows up, that's the way you like to fuck. Clogged up, fog alert, rip the pants and rip the shirt, rough sex, make it hurt!…" _

The crowd, getting into it too, began chanting. "Go white boy! Go white boy! Go white boy!"

"Hermione, I had no idea you liked it rough!" Draco exclaimed. She looked sheepish.

"…_What 'bout up in the candy store, that chocolate, chocolate, make it melt…"_

"Well, okay, there was that one time we sneaked off to Honeydukes using Harry's Map," Hermione conceded. Ginny and Draco laughed. Harry looked a bit indignant that they had taken his map without asking.

"…_Whips and chains, handcuffs, smack a little bootie up with my belt…"_

"Lemme guess," Draco began. "You two broke into Filch's office to get the whips and chains hanging from his ceiling, right?"

"Of course not!" Hermione cried. "I conjured those up with my wand!" The others just stared at her. Finally, to her immense relief, the song ended and Ron came back down to them.

Ginny was looking a bit miffed upon learning of her brother and Hermione's deviant behavior. Hermione, meanwhile, was still pink. Ron was sitting very close to her, whispering something that made her giggle. Harry was flipping through a book of karaeoke songs, and Draco was saying something about Dean and Seamus still being gone. Suddenly, the bar was plunged into darkness, and a single spotlight focused on the stage. A tall girl was in the center of the light with her back to the audience. From what everyone could see, she was wearing a red leather catsuit and had her blond hair in two high pigtails. The song began, and with her back still to the audience, she sang.

"_Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah."_ She turned and faced the audience then, and many people recoiled.

"Bloody hell!" Ron yelled.

"That's the ugliest girl I've ever seen!" Harry exclaimed.

"Damn, she looks worse than Pansy Parkinson!" Draco agreed. The girl had continued singing though.

"_I think I did it again. I made you believe we're more than just friends. Ooh, baby, it might seem like a crush, but it doesn't mean that I'm serious."_

"Is it just me, or are her boobs off center?" Harry asked. Ginny rolled her eyes. Of course, of all the places he could've been looking, Harry was looking at her chest. She had to admit, though, he had a point.

"_Oops, I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game. Ooh, baby, baby, oops, you think I'm in love, that I'm sent from above, I'm not that innocent."_

"Eurgh!" Hermione groaned. "I don't even want to _think_ of that…*thing* being less than innocent." Ginny nodded in agreement.

"Um…I think her hair's falling off," Ron remarked. It was true. It seemed the pigtails were just a wig. The girl appeared to actually have black hair underneath, as a few strands were poking out.

"You guys, I hate to ask," Draco began, "but, does it look like that girl is…er…*bulging* where she shouldn't be?"

"Oh my god!" Ron exclaimed.

"She's a man, baby!" Hermione finished for him.

"Not only that," Harry said with a shudder. "I'd recognize that hooked nose anywhere…"

"Holy monkey!" Ginny shrieked. "It's Snape!" But Snape didn't seem to hear her.

"It's a wonder that wig didn't just slip off his greasy head," Hermione remarked. "I'll bet you McGonagall was the one who helped him into that catsuit."

"Eeeeew!" everyone yelled. By now, Snape was on the last chorus.

"_Oops, you think I'm in love, that I'm sent from abo-o-o-ove, I'm not that…"_

"_TALENTED!"_ the students finished for him. Snape noticed that his wig was falling off, and that he'd been found out. Upon this realization, he bolted from the stage yet again, leaving the audience to laugh uncontrollably. Dean and Seamus returned to the table, sweaty and breathless, wondering what was so funny.

"Once again, I think Snape's performance merits a good, strong drink," Ron said. Harry went up to the bar and bought this round.


	3. Epiphanies and Declarations

Another round of drinks later, Hermione had and epiphany

Another round of drinks later, Hermione had and epiphany.

"Oh my god…I think I'm in- (hic), intoxi- (hic), inebriated!" she cried.

"Way to state the obvious, Herm-ee-own-ninny," Draco drawled.

Hermione was slogging through her fuzzy brain searching for a comeback when Ginny swept past her, heading towards the DJ booth. A minute later, she took her place in front of the audience, her face already crimson. As the intro came over the speakers, she gazed down at Harry and said "This one's for you." Draco looked slightly peeved.

"_There's things that you guess, and things that you know. There's boys that you can trust, and girls that you don't. There's little things you hide, and little things that you show. Sometimes you think you're gonna get it, but you don't and that's just the way it goes._"

Hermione gasped as the lyrics dawned upon her. She remembered hearing this song on Muggle radio when she was at home and couldn't believe Ginny had chosen it. Harry didn't appear to have recognized it, though. "Wait 'til the chorus," Hermione thought.

"_I've waited so long, baby, now that we're friends. Every girl's got her patience, and here's where mine ends. I want your sex. I want your love. I want your sex. I want your…sex_!"

Harry's eyes went wide. Draco looked murderous. Ron was purple (whether from embarrassment, or from the fact that his little sister was singing about sex, we may never know). Hermione was the tiniest bit hurt that Ginny was singing to Harry and not her. Dean and Seamus would have reacted, had they not had their tongues shoved down each other's throats. 

"…_I'd really love to try, oh I'd really love to know. When you tell me you're gonna regret it, then I tell you that I love but you still say no…"_

But Harry looked ready to agree to anything Ginny asked at that moment. Draco's eyes were getting a cold, steely glint to them. Ron was still purple. Ginny went through the chorus again, working that short black skirt like a pro. Harry seemed to have recalled hearing the song before and went up to the stage, wanting to sing with Ginny.

"_It's natural. It's chemical_." She held the mike down for Harry.

"_Let's do it?_" he came in for his part.

"_It's logical. Habitual_." Ginny continued.

"_Can we do it?_" Harry added his part again.

"_It's sensual. But most of all_…"

"_Sex is something that we should do_…" Dean sang to Seamus.

"_Sex is something for me and you_…" Draco added, looking at Harry.

"_Sex is natural_," Harry offered. 

"_Sex is good_…" Ginny sang

"_Not everybody does it!_" Hermione yelled out.

"Hypocrite," Draco said in an undertone.

"_But everybody should_," Ron countered, giving Hermione a look that made her blush.

"_Sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it's one on one_," Ginny finished.

"I beg to differ!" Draco shouted.

But Ginny kept singing.

"_What's your definition of dirty baby? What do you consider pornography? Don't you know I love it till it hurts me baby? Don't you think it's time you had sex with me?"_

Harry was about to shout "YES!" when he caught the look of fury on Draco's face.

"_Sex with me! Have sex with me! C-c-c-c-come on_!" And with that, her song was over. Ron had returned to a normal color, mostly because he was trying to convince Hermione that the song applied to them, as well. Hermione was torn between wanting to accept Ron's theory and being upset that Ginny hadn't sang to her. Harry wasn't sure if he should be more concerned with Ginny's advances or Draco's outrage. His thoughts were interrupted though, when Draco swept past him on his way to the stage.

"Hold it, Red!" he called out to Ginny, marching her back up on stage. He pointed his wand at the DJ booth and another song began playing.

"_Excuse me…do I know you? 'Cause you look kinda familiar_." Draco began.

"_Yeah, you do too. Um, I just wanted to know, do you know somebody named…you know his name._" Ginny inquired.

"_Oh yeah, definitely, I know his name_."

"_I just wanted to let you know he's mine_," Ginny said.

"_Uh, no. He's mine_!" Draco returned with an insanely jealous expression. 

Harry had sunk lower into his chair, embarrassed beyond words that they were fighting over him. Ron and Hermione were looking upon the scene as if it were a great act of comic relief. Neither of them was concerned about Ginny because, well, seeing her fend off Draco was just too hilarious.

"_You need to give it up, had about enough. It's not hard to see the boy is mine!_" Ginny sang.

"_I'm sorry that you seem to be confused. He belongs to me, the boy is mine_!" Draco retorted, his cheeks flushing in anger. "_Must you do the things you do. Keep on acting like a fool. You need to know it's me not you well, if you didn't know it girl, it's true._"

Ginny was getting pretty pissed off as well. "_I think that you should realize, I'm trying to understand why. He is a part of my life, I know it's killing you inside._"

Draco gave her a look as if to say "Oh no, you did NOT just go there!"

"_You can say what, you wanna say. What we have you can't take. From the truth you can't escape. I can tell the real from the fake._" He said, shoving a finger into her shoulder. Harry was staring to worry that a full-on brawl was about to break out. 

"_When will you get the picture? Your the past and not future. Get away it's my time to shine. If you didn't know the boy is mine._" Ginny retorted, pushing Draco to the side. Ron probably would have been laughing his ass off if he hadn't passed out, dead drunk, a minute ago. However, the fun had worn off for Hermione. Now that Ginny was actually _battling _someone for Harry, the feeling that she's been slighted returned with a vengeance. Hermione looked over at Ron, who had his head down on the table, surrounded by martini glasses. Now was her chance. She wouldn't have to worry about hurting him, now that he'd slipped off to a dreamy place called Margaritaville.

"Sorry, but I'm about to break up this fight over you," she said to Harry. Far from being upset, he almost looked relieved. Meanwhile, Draco and Ginny were still arguing.

"_Not yours!"_ Draco yelled.

"_But mine!"_ Ginny shouted back.

"_Not yours!"_

"_But mine!"_

"Not…HEY!!!" Draco cried. Hermione had just shoved him off the stage. Taking her cue from Draco, she pointed her wand at the DJ and the music immediately changed. Draco sulked off to sit across from Harry as Hermione began singing.
    
    "_You say it's been too long since you had some. Just say I turn you on, like a fire that's burning inside. You think that I'm the one you see in your dreams. I know what you mean._" Her voice had gotten low and sultry, and she was staring at Ginny with a hungry expression.
    "_It's creepin' around in my head. Me holdin' you down in my bed. You don't have to say a word. I'm convinced, you want this."
    _
    Harry and Draco were both gazing at her, open-mouthed, and entirely shocked. Dean and Seamus had both disappeared again, and Ron was still passed out (mumbling something about his new best friends Jim Beam and Jack Daniels). On stage, Ginny was beginning to see where this song was going, and so she started dancing around while Hermione sang.
    "_Baby you know I can give it to you. I can't deny I'd do it right. Just let me know and I'll give it to you. Show me where, I'll taste you there…" _Ginny pointed to her neck, and Hermione licked her there before continuing.
    "Whoooo!" Harry shouted. "Yeah! Smack my bishop!"
    "Jigga wha'?" Draco asked as he turned to face Harry. "We're not playing chess…"
    "No, no, no! I must be shlurring my words. I said 'smack my bitch up!'"
    "I thought I was your bitch!" Draco whined. Harry wasn't listening though, because the girls were starting to get their freak on on the stage.
    Harry plunged his hands into his pockets, searching for Sickles or Galleons to give to the girls.
    "Uh, Harry…what's the point in you giving them money?" Draco asked.
    "They're entertaining…I want to give them a little something in thanks." he answered.
    "No, that's not what I mean. Look at their outfits…"
    "Trust me, I've been doing that all night," Harry said with a smile. Draco rolled his eyes.
    "Harry, they have no pockets! Where the hell do you think they're gonna put the money?"
    Harry blinked. He hadn't thought of that before. He put the money back into his pocket and turned his attention to Hermione.
    "_I'm the place to be and soon you'll see. I don't care who leads, as long as we move horizontally. Anyone can make you sweat, but I can keep you wet…" _Hermione had wrapped an arm around Ginny, and now the two were dancing together. Harry was watching them so intently that he hadn't noticed when Draco moved to sit down right next to him.
    "Harry, I can make you forget about them," he whispered huskily. Harry turned and looked at him with an unreadable expression.
    "C'mon, Harry!" Draco was now pleading. "Please have sex with me!"
    Harry just smiled at him. "You know, begging really doesn't become you at all," he teased. Draco merely sighed huffily.
    Hermione went through the chorus a few more times and thus, the song ended. Harry was talking to Draco when the two girls came and sat down beside them. Harry seemed to be debating whether or not he should sing alone too. Ron came out of his drunken stupor long enough to hear their conversation.
    "Don't do it, it's kind of embarrassing," he warned. "You don't have to be a hero this time." He finished before passing out again.
    "That reminds me of something my father used to say," Draco said. "He used to say 'A real hero is not measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his size'…or something like that." He looked at Harry with a naughty grin. "Can I see if you're a real hero?"
    Ginny and Hermione burst into a fit of giggles. Harry went pink. "Later," he said in an undertone so that no one else could hear.
    By this time, it was nearly 2:00 a.m. Dean and Seamus finally returned to the group, looking thoroughly worn out. Ron had woken up with a coaster stuck to his forehead. Hermione peeled it off, saying "Poor ickle Ronniekins." The Roommates were about to go home, when Harry stopped them.
    "Don't you remember that old saying 'Don't drink and Disapparate'?" he asked. Draco glared at him.
    "Dude, that is so corny," he laughed.
    "So is you saying 'dude'," Harry shot back. Eventually, everyone made it back to the House safely. They all trooped off to their rooms, knowing they'd be in for one massive headache the next day.
    AUTHOR'S NOTE:
    Now, for the disclaimer before I get blacklisted for some stupid reason. This story includes, obviously, the characters of J.K. Rowling (she is truly a goddess), and references to Disney's Hercules, MTV's The Real World, and various other pop culture things. Lyrics came from lyricserver.com and include Right Said Fred, N*Sync, Ludicris, Britney Spears, George Michael, Brandy and Monica, and Jordan Knight. I am not doing this story for any type of commercial gain, blah blah blah.
    Thanks for reading, and please review. Keep in mind, all flames will be doused with a Super Soaker. Thanks!

By the way, I apologize for any type-set errors, I don't know why it's being retarded…

Also, I've had requests for more of the story…if you think it should continue, lemme know. I don't wanna add if no one's gonna read! Thanks again!


	4. H.U.R.L.

HP meets RW4

Author's note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it is truly appreciated. Now, on to more of The Real World!

A week later, around 5:30 in the morning, Ron was tossing and turning in his bed. He just couldn't sleep. He finally gave up his crusade for slumber with a huff and flopped himself into the window seat, accidentally waking Draco. Still groggy, the blond turned to where his roommate was.

"What the hell are you doing up at the crack of dawn's ass?" he mumbled.

"Couldn't sleep," Ron replied. Draco seemed to be satisfied with his answer and drifted back off to sleep. After two hours of peaceful quiet, Ron heard Ginny and Hermione stirring in the next room. They clamored downstairs, probably in search of coffee, and so Ron followed them down. On his way out of the room, he noticed his pin-up calendar: it was February 14th.

"Good morning everyone!" Ron said cheerily as he entered the kitchen. "Happy V.D.!"

"There is nothing happy about v.d.," Ginny snapped. Ron looked confused.

"I'm talking about Valentine's Day," Ron explained. "What're you on about?"

"I thought you meant…you know…v.d.!" Ginny said sheepishly.

"Who's got v.d.?" Harry asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"Not me!" Ginny exclaimed, a little too quickly. Harry looked at her oddly. From that moment on, he thought perhaps it was best to ignore Ginny's sexual advances.

"Right, well, anyway, we're supposed to be finding out about our jobs today," Harry said. "Someone will be sending us our instructions by owl post." Just then, a tiny ball of fluff tumbled through the open kitchen window and flew straight into Ron's forehead.

"Whoo!" it hooted gleefully.

"Pig?!" Ron cried. "Why'd they send you?" He untied the small scrolls of parchment and removed them from his pet owl. He opened the one entitled "Read me first."

"_Dear Housemates,_

In case you are wondering, we have sent your instructions with Pigwidgeon because we figured you'd need an owl in the house for later use. Anyway, the other scroll contains your job descriptions. Please read it only when everyone is present. Thank You,

The Producers"

"Oooh! I wonder what our jobs will be!" Hermione squealed. Right on cue, the rest of the roommates stumbled into the kitchen.

"Guess what? We've just gotten our job descriptions!" Ginny announced to them.

"No talk. Coffee first," Seamus grunted. And so they waited another hour until all seven people were fully awake. Harry unrolled the parchment and read it out to the others.

__

"H.U.R.L."

"Hurl??!" Ron said. "That's almost as bad as spew!"

"S. P. E. W.!!!" Hermione corrected. "How many times must I tell you?" But Ron wasn't listening. 

"I wonder what it stands for?" Draco asked.

"Well, let me finish reading it," Harry said. And so he did.

"_H.U.R.L. stands for **H**edonists for the **U**se of **R**andy **L**overs. Your job is to become an escort for any paying customer who visits our office. Please note that you will start on Friday night. Report to our main office no later than 4 p.m. Thank you, and good luck."_

"An escort service!" Hermione yelled. "They want me to be a hedonist for the use of some randy lover??! I think not!"

"_She works hard for the money…" _Draco was singing in the background. Hermione turned on him.

"Quiet you!" she hissed.

"I hope they have us working with good-looking people," Seamus said. "With cute butts," he added with a giggle.

"_I like cute butts and I cannot lie…"_ Dean suddenly burst out.

"Oh, look, it's Notorious F.A.G." Draco remarked. Dean paid him no attention.

"_You other brothas can't deny, that when a man walks in with an itty bitty waist, with his tight ass in yo' face you get sprung!"_

"Hell yeah!" Seamus and Draco yelled. Harry still wasn't sure how he felt about the whole gay thing, and Ron just looked out of place.

Later that week, the roommates were all gathered in the living room, talking about whatever popped up.

"Did you guys ever see that Muggle cartoon about a Canadian Mountie?" Dean asked.

"Cartoon?" Ron and Ginny questioned in unison.

"Dudley Do-Right? Yeah, I did," Harry said. "Are you kidding? My cousin thought it was spectacular that someone would name a cartoon after him."

"That's a boring name for a super hero," Draco scoffed. "They shoulda called him something like Studly Do-Me-Right…heh heh heh." Ron rolled his eyes. Harry went slightly pink.

"Then it wouldn't be very kid-friendly, now would it?" Hermione asked.

"There are 'kid's shows' out there that still aren't kid friendly! Haven't you ever seen Sesame Street?" Seamus inquired.

"Oh, yeah!" Dean said excitedly. "That show was creepy. Six foot pigeons walking around. And that crack-addict elephant looking thing. What was its name? _Snuff-_eluphogus? Right. And they had a pimp on the show too. Everyone called him The Count, but I know a pimp when I see one. His bitch was Maria the Street Whore. I can just see him now. _'Bitch, where is my money? You've been late three times already. Count them, one, two, three, ah ah ah ah. You deserve three smacks for that. Count with me…' _That was not a kid-friendly show!"

"There's some wacky stuff in literature too," Ron said. "Did you guys ever read that story about the guy who killed his father and married his mother? Eeeew! I think his name was something like Eat-a-pus."

"You mean Oedipus? It's pronounced Ed-uh-pus," Hermione corrected. Ron pouted.

"I think I liked him better when he was Eat-a-pus." he sulked. Hermione rolled her eyes.

* * * * * * * * 

Finally, it was Friday afternoon. The group Disapparated to the address given in the instructions, still a bit apprehensive about the jobs they were about to be given.

"Okay," their director began. "Keep in mind that you may be asked for, um, _sexual_ favors. These customers are paying for you, and thus you are obligated to do their bidding."

"So, we're like sex slaves?" Seamus asked. The others snickered.

"Wanna be my sex slave?" Draco whispered to Harry.

"Later!" Harry whispered back. Draco accepted this, only because the last time he'd said "Later," Harry had shown him that he was a true hero.

"Anyway," the director said, clearing her throat and throwing a withering glance at Harry and Draco, "you shall receive your first clients this evening."

"Wait a sec," Hermione interjected. "I don't think Ginny should do this, she has v.d." The others snickered again.

"Hermione!" Ginny wailed, all but confirming the statement.

Dean gave her a disgusted look. "Euh, girl, you nasty!" he said. Ginny shot daggers at him with her eyes.

"Fine," the director sighed. "Ginny, you will be in charge of the reception desk. You will answer calls (yes, we do receive phone calls, as not all of our clients are magical), and give hand signals to the valets outside to tell them which car to give the escorts."

"Excuse me, but I believe I requested the hand job," Draco interrupted. The director was looking murderous. She stormed out of the room muttering something about kids these days. Ginny took her place behind the reception desk. One by one, she began dispatching her friends as they became first time escorts. Fairly soon after everyone else had gone, she received a call from a distraught sounding fellow.

"Hello? Yes, I, um, need an escort…and quickly," he demanded.

"I'm sorry, sir, but all our escorts are out right now. Would you mind answering a few questions so that I can pair you up with a suitable individual?" Ginny asked.

A pause. "Um, sure."

"Alright then, first of all, what is your name?"

"No one told me I'd have to give a name!" the man yelled.

"I'm sorry, but without a name, you cannot be paired up."

"Fine, fine" the man said impatiently. "My name is, uh, Mike Oxbig…yeah."

"Mike Oxbig?" Ginny echoed.

"Yes!" the man snapped.

"And why have you chosen our service?"

"Uh, I just broke up with my girlfriend and I'm feeling lonely."

"Well, don't worry sir, there are other seas in the fish," Ginny tried to comfort him with one of the few Muggle phrases she knew.

"Riiiiight," the man replied.

"Okay, um, do you have any special preferences?"

"Yes, I'd like a very attractive, _submissive_ male with blond hair and grey eyes if it's possible."

"Hmmm, you'd do very well with Draco," Ginny replied, taking down the information.

"Excellent, I love Draco," the man said. Ginny was startled.

"Have you called us earlier this evening, sir?"

"Erm, no…I, uh, mean that I like the _name_ Draco…yeah, that's it." The man was sounding very flustered. For some reason, Ginny couldn't shake the feeling that she'd heard this voice somewhere before.

"Do you, by any chance, enjoy wearing red leather catsuits?" she asked.

"Well sure, who doesn't?" Mike answered. Ginny snorted with laughter.

"Professor Snape??!"

The good professor let out a horrified yell. Ginny's only answer was a dial tone, indicating that a phone had been hastily hung up. Merely two minutes later, Draco strolled in looking very satisfied. Soon after, the others returned also.

"Hey Draco," Ginny called when she was sure she had everyone's attention. "Someone called and requested you."

"Oh yeah? Who?"

"Professor Snape," she said with as much casualty as she could muster. Everyone else was on the floor rolling with laughter by this time. Draco, however, did not look amused.

"He actually told you it was him?"

"Well, no," Ginny conceded. "He gave me a pseudonym. I think it was…yes, I have it written down. Mike Oxbig."

Draco rolled his eyes. "His cock's not _that_ big," he replied. The proverbial record stopped and everyone was looking at him with the same odd expression.

"Well it's not!" Draco huffed.

* * * * * * * * * *

The next day, everyone was recovering from the previous night's rigors. They were all lounging around the living room. The boys looked incredibly bored, but the girls had their noses stuck in books. Ron heaved a very audible sigh. Hermione finally looked up from her book. 

"Why don't you boys just go play Quidditch out back?" she suggested.

"Well, we would, but none of us has any balls," Ron said.

"You can say that again," Ginny mumbled.

"Oh, hah hah. It is to laugh. Do you see me? I am rolling on the floor." Ron replied. Dean suddenly leaned over and whispered something to Seamus, who giggled madly. They both tore out of the room and upstairs within a matter of seconds.

"It's a wonder that those two don't get tired of each other," Ginny said.

"Well, Seamus claims he's a sexaholic," Harry replied.

"Um, that's…interesting," Hermione said. "Here, why don't you two read this?" She tossed a book over at the boys and it landed between Draco and Harry. Harry picked it up.

"You're giving me a French book?" he asked incredulously. "I have enough trouble with English as it is."

"Hey, this could be fun," Draco said as he snatched the book out of Harry's hands. He began flipping through the pages. 

"Ah, here we go. 'Phrases For Everyday'." He turned to Harry. "_Tu est mon beau morceau du fromage."_

"Don't you be cussing me out in no foreign language," Harry said. "What'd you just call me anyway?"

"You are my beautiful piece of cheese," Draco replied, batting his eyelashes at Harry.

"See there," Hermione stated proudly. "French can be fun!"

"Well, I only know one phrase," Harry said. "It was on some commercial a while back. _Je suis la jeune fille,_ I think it was." Hermione and Draco both cracked up laughing. Harry looked at Ginny for an explanation, but she appeared as lost as he.

"You just said 'I am a young girl'!" Draco finally said between gasps for air. Harry just shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh well. Remind me never to repeat things that I don't know what they mean." he declared. 

Very suddenly, loud voices drifted into the room from upstairs. Ron quieted the others, and they all strained to hear better. Out of nowhere, Dean's voice became very clear.

"Who is yo' daddy??!" they heard him yell.

"You are!!!" they heard Seamus shout. The five of them all went an interesting shade of green.

"Well, that ought to effectively end this episode," Hermione said. And so, it did.

Author's note: Well, dear readers, I hope you enjoyed this. As humor is very draining for a writer (well, it is for me anyway), there shall be no more episodes. Thank you for reviewing though, it really means a lot to me.

As for the disclaimers for this episode, here we go: Once again, J.K. Rowling, Sir Mix A Lot (in a way), Will & Grace, a wonderfully funny skit by Dave Chapelle, Wayne's World, and a very boring French class. Thanks again for reading! 


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